When you look in the mirror, I strongly hope you still see human flesh, because that may not last for long. At the current rate that electronics are advancing, we may end up being part robot in a matter of years… Thank you creepy Google Glass. Not only is it affecting our general human interactions, but it’s also affecting the way that we date. A lot.
I am a homebody. End of story. I am 20 years old, technically, but I’m pretty sure I’m a 65-year-old on the inside. I spend my Friday nights (and mainly every other night) watching Netflix, curled in a ball, and ordering delivery. I own grey bowling shoes, I have more candles than friends, and most of my clothes cover every inch of my body. This is all fun and games until I realize that every night, I do these things by my lonesome. But how do you change this if you don’t like to go out? The trusty, shiny, good ol’ internet.
OkCupid for the hipsters, Tinder for the impatient straight person, Grindr for the sexually ambiguous person, JDate for the specifically Jewish lover, JSwipe for the Jewish lover in a hurry, SeniorPeopleMeet for the wise, PlentyOfFish for those searching in a pond, and so many more ridiculously specific and secluding dating sites. How does one choose?
They don’t. Most people I know are using at least 2 or 3 of these sites at a time. Some of which see some of the same people repeated on multiple sites, which is saying that many people are getting the full use out of a multitude of apps. But how well can you really find someone in this manner when everyone is tailored to fit the largest range of people’s desires like a Tempur-Pedic mattress?
Profiles are filled with only the most attractive of one’s photos, and making themselves sound like an all around wonderful person, when in fact you meet them to find they aren’t 6’3” with hair down the their shoulders and fit from all the yoga they do.
As if physicality was the biggest stressor with online dating, it’s the true difficulty to communicate that gets your head spinning. What in the world did that message mean, and are you interested? I’ve heard, and experienced, just about all the obscure conversations and lack there of. Why are you going to send me a heart/starry symbol then not answer my chatter? Why are you going to ask me to hang out then disappear? I think I dislike you already, but your profile makes you seem so damn awesome! I think it’s a lie.
Anti-Eater: Hey beautiful, the name’s Adam.
Me (my username is too silly to share): Hello there Adam, I’m DayRu.
Anti-Eater: Hi DayRu, are you free to meet me for a drink this week?
Me: I’m more of a eater than a drinker. Is food an option Mister Adam?
This is when CoolAsAPickle disappeared. Is eating so wrong? I like to eat, damn.
Or how about…
IThinkHe’sRacist: Would you like to go out with me this week love?
Me: Surely. Anything in mind?
IThinkHe’sRacist: Doesn’t really matter. I just don’t want any JAPS or stuck up women, seems to be the norm lately.
Me: Please tell me you were kidding and didn’t mean that last message.
IThinkHe’sRacist: Later kiddo.
Did you not like that I’m not on that level? Alright then, bye I guess?
And last but not least, the utterly straightforward and dreaded message.
ysYouWantARelationship: Wanna suck my c***?
NO RESPONSE FROM ME. THANKS.
After some extensive pondering, I think that fate, or whatever you’d like to call it, has to run its course and you have to just meet people naturally. I know that there are a lot of success stories from online dating, and maybe I’m bitter, but I am starting to get the feeling that I have to stop being a granny and just get my butt outside and meet people.
Sorry to break it to you fellow horizontal lovers, I know it’s a tough world out there, but the internet may just give you carpal tunnel and not a cuddle buddy. I think I’m going to drag my apps to the ‘uninstall’ box and change out of my PJs for some in person (and sometimes horrid) relations.
Oh and P.S. Those of you who decide to keep your world wide web search for love, here are a few tips from me and some buddies.
1. That topless photo isn’t doing you any good.
2. Your photo with that other girl is not making me think you’re an eligible bachelor.
3. We know those sunglasses are hiding something.
4. Your lack of photos frightens me to the core.
5. Why are you always online. Why. Wait, does that mean I am too?